I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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