the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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