I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
