Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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