this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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