textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
