I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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