I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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