Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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