I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize