in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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