My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
