If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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