look no pants
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
did you just send me my own nude
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
