How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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