Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
