win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Holy sore nipples Batman
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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