I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
