you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
