Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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