you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
