If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
