His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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