why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
