not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
