the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
