you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
