He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
