Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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