she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize