I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
