John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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