What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
