I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
