Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
