Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
