Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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