Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
