my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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