I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
