that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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