I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
