i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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