Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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