I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So many bounce houses so little time
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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