omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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