I just pynch a tree in the face
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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