Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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