I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
