Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
