just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
