Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
