Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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