I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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