party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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