Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We have started to decorate penises.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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