Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
