Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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