I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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