Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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