YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
