when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
