Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
