Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize