who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
