I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I will die if light touches me.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
